ouch.
i never thought pain could come this strong again once you get through it the first time.
i guess the open wound that was my heart never really did heal.
why is she doing this? why am i so unimportant now? after all i did. after all my family did.
what did i do wrong?
this is my letter to you.
i gave you that push that sent you flying into the world you were trying to be a part of.
and now that you're in it, you don't need me any more, so i'm old news?
am i like the dirty laundry that knows where you've been and what you've done, that you just want to get rid of once you've found something better?
it kills. i forgot what it was like to not have control of your emotions. to see something that triggers a memory, and to be so consumed by it that you can no longer think straight. that you don't realize you're crying until the tears are pouring and you're wishing just to be back in that time before it all went wrong.
you're making me question myself. who i am. what i'm doing. i hate it.
i hate that i can't be mad at you. i hate that i can't let you go and ruin this, without me feeling most of the pain. i hate that i just can't forget. i hate that because of what you're doing, because of your mistakes, i'm the one being torn apart.
i hate that if you realized this, i'd forgive you in a heartbeat.
i hate that you've changed and you don't realize it.
i hate that i'm no longer important. i hate that i miss you so much that it's like rubbing salt in the ever growing wound, and you don't even think about me.
i hate that i grew so attatched only to be ripped away.
so this is it. i can't trust you any more. i have to do this on my own. it's scary, it scares the shit out of me. i can't go to you like i used to. i have to get used to your absence. i'm not going to make any more attatchments. i thought you were the person he left to look after me, because he could no longer stay alive to do it himself. i guess i was wrong. i've lost him first. and that killed so much. but knowing i lost you, yet you're still alive, is so much worse.
when people asked about you, i said you were like my second mother.
your guidance, it meant everything to me. i counted on you.
no more of that. no more getting attatched, no more counting on other people. let's face it, eventually they let you down. it's a fact of life. no one is perfect and you can't depend on anyone but yourself. i'm starting to become okay with that.

thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great.

So I guess I still have one question left for the world.
What have I ever done to you?

I may not be normal. I may laugh at the wrong times or stay silent when I'm supposed to be chatting away. I might not wear the clothes you think are normal, or listen to the same music as you do. I might look like a freak because I'm a vegan. Hell, you might be upset with me because my eyes aren't more than a murky brown color.
But has any of this affected you? Does going about my own life, letting you ignore me, give you cause to suddenly beat me down?
Do you enjoy ripping someone else apart from their insides?
I know I'm not the perfect person. I do things that embarass me every day and make stupid mistakes.
But at least I'm not changing myself for you. At least I'm still myself.
But you have changed me.
I'm secluded and withdrawn. I don't want to trust any more. My secrets are mine only to keep. My thoughts are never spoken aloud and my actions are small. Screw confidence.
Because every time I try to stand up you break me down yet again.

I'd love for you to ignore me instead of notice me for being different. Just because I'm not like you doesn't mean you're any better. And just because you don't understand me, doesn't automatically give you the excuse to assume and judge.

So there's my silent plea to the world. Put in writing for no caring eyes to see. But I'm not afraid to keep on living. Because I believe eventually fate will take it's own course. I'll be living a fuller life than you ever hoped you could have had.

Now will your hardened ears become eager to my call? Or will this confuse you even more about me?

What if your safety blanket stops working?
What if it loses its touch?
The frayed edges that you've been holding onto for so long
Lose grip and you fall away

Tonight, I have learned:
Don't take shit from anyone.
Don't let anyone tell you who to be.
Don't let anyone make you be anything other than yourself.
People think us MCR fans are some sort of cult religion and MCR's the ones preaching it? Slightly absurd.

Tonight, I have finally decided that I will not be anyone other than myself. I will not do anything to impress or please someone else if it's not truly me, and no matter what anyone says, I refuse to lose my soul and who i truly am. No one will sway me and no one will change the person I am just because they don't like it or I don't fit in.

Tonight, I experienced my first concert.
Tonight, I had a fucking amazing time.
Tonight, I have finally come to terms with myself and who I am, if only for this brief period of time.
Tonight, as of right now, I feel whole and happy with who I am.
Tonight will not last. This feeling of confidence will not last.
But Tonight, is the night I have found, and will never lose myself, again.

My Chemical Romance/The Black Parade is my hero. I owe a lot to the people in that band and I won't forget it.

Thank you.

Today I really wonder about the marvel that is elavator music. I mean, really. Do people actually just sit down and say, "Hey, let's make some nice, slow, sleepy music to bore people out of their minds in the elavator and make the silences even more awkward between strangers locked in a metal box together. Yeah, that sounds cool."? I dig jazz, It's cool and all, but elavator music is not jazz. It is not my parent's music, and it certainly isn't rock. So is there a genre for those who simply want a CD to put into their company's elavators?
A question to ponder.

Kitty has an odd fascination with plastic. Actually, her fascination with plastic lies in poking sporadic holes throughout it with her teeth. This in turn causes mother to get upset and scream like a madwoman. This chain reaction leaves Kitty feeling accomplished and my mom ready to ship her off to Mexico.

I'm in an odd mood today. Procrastination and nausea must do weird things to you.

Oh my love, please don't cry,
I'll wash my bloody hands and we'll start a new life.
(There's some good old GC for you)

i would advise you not to let your cousin slam your hand in a heavy wooden door. it's not the most pleasant feeling in the world. plus i have two bright red lines and a throbbing hand to show for it... and this happened four hours ago.
i also got into a fight with the nail polish remover. this and remnants of black nail polish are smeared across my hands.

i've fallen in love with halifax's music. :]

don't go into hot topic with your mom. especially if she massacres band names by accident and tries to be cool with the cashier. i grabbed my new tshirt and hightailed it out of there.

i'm feeling numb right now. not happy, but not sad. just, here.
so that means no nice bold words below my message today. oh well.

...blah.
got my ticket for the concert in february, going with sami and eric. i have no understanding as to the reasoning my father had to let me go. i'm not one to convince him otherwise.
oh, but mother. the be-in-bed-by-nine, i-think-i-know-the-ins-and-outs-of-my-daughter (that was a long one) mother. decides i'm suddenly not allowed to go because it's a school night. whoopidy friggin do, i don't care if it is or not, i'm still going. i've paid for my ticket, i've already gotten approval, you're not backing me out of this now. it's not like i'm 8 years old again. for some reason she thinks i am... and she also thinks i'm asleep by 9.
oh. mother how you are so wrong. you think you know me and how my brain works and how i'm feeling. you haven't the smallest clue. everything you think is absolutely wrong. yes, i love my horses, but no, i do not want you to spend more money than you have so i can show every week all summer. yes, it's my birthday, but no, i won't ask you for this if i want it. i'm not like that. yes, i'm a girl, but no, i don't want to wear those brand name clothes you make me buy. yes, i hole up in my room. not because i'm obsessed with the computer. i do it because you drive me there. you make me hide. i hate going through the house knowing you'll be downstairs waiting for me to do something wrong. i'm not the child you want. i'm not the child you expected. give up already.

Your body is bruised and your knuckles are bleeding,
This only pulls you deeper into the hole,
The more blood you bleed the farther away sunlight seems,
Soon nothing will be left but darkness and the searing sensation of your heart,
You do nothing more than exist in this hell you created.

so i spent 10 hours in dress clothes for an awards banquet today for eastern ohio quarter horse assoc. not cool. i have 3 more banquets to go, the last being all of ohio :] looking forward to it, but i already reached my goal, the banquets are kinda boring... i'm not the most social so i suppose thats the reason. i hate being forced to socialize too. i'd rather watch people. but whatever.

thinking about retiring truman after this summer so he can live out his days in my aunt's barn (which is right in my backyard) and i can see him everyday. when things get crazy i need the old boy to keep me sane and it doesn't exactly work when he's a half hour away now does it. plus he's worked his bum off his whole 12 years and deserves to chill out. so i think i'd be ok with retiring him. the rents promised me they wouldn't sell him so he's with me till death. i never want him to die. he's done a lot for me, that goes far beyond the winning and the prizes. he's showed his heart out when he was just recovering, he's been tough through the worst illnesses, and i love the old boy to death. truman the wonderhorse. time for a break after this year? i'm thinking so.

it's 3 am. wonderful. fantastic. awesome. i'm so tired. long day. long banquet. longer day tomarrow. long week. ick. short sentences. caveman. tired.

i think my nilla frap' has worn off. yup. i'm the master at shortening words. but its worn off. no more energy. if you couldn't already tell. catch you on the flip side.

today's lesson: don't believe that someone out there can understand you. even if they do you'll never find them. it's not worth it. no matter how much you only wish for someone to get you, it ain't gonna happen. stop beleiving the fairy tales.

I can save you,
We can save ourselves,
If only there was someone to save our hope.

i guess my label is "emo" now, or so the children at school tell me. good lord. it used to be a fine word until people started abusing it.
don't you love when people know you're right there, but they still talk shit about you like they have no idea? oh, it just makes me feel so warm and fuzzy.
how can you hate someone if they've never done anything to you? if all they do is sit in the back shadows of the room and try to keep themselves invisible the whole time? how can you only hate them because of some stupid label that's been applied? how can you stick that label if you haven't even taken the time to get to know that person?
those are some very good questions, my friend.
at least i'm not a fake. even if i don't know who i am, at least i don't flaunt myself as someone i'm not. at least me, unlike all the fake-faced people that claim themselves as the better half of the world, at least i look, talk, and act for the right reasons. I choose my music because i actually like it. and i pay attention to the artists. i don't wear the 'popular' clothes just because everyone elses does. i wear what i feel like and what's comfortable. i don't dress to impress. i don't gossip and giggle and flaunt my body, because i'm not desperate. i am who i am, just please,
leave me alone.
what have i ever done to you?
today's lesson: fake meat corn dogs are not good microwaved. oven-only or it's... ew.
go veg!

I'm falling, holding onto nothing,
Yet you cling to me,
And as we fall you'll realize,
Nothing is as it appears,
Looks are deceiving, friend,
And you were the deceited

uh... wow. a little time away from the rents can do you a lot of good. let me just say that.
too bad i'm stuck here for a few more years.

apparently black nail polish means you're "emo". that label is way too broad. if people can't find a better way to describe others, please, please refrain from using the term emo. because i'm tired of it being tossed around, let's remember it comes from the term EMOTIONAL. how the heck does that describe people unless they've got major mood swings?

whatever. i'd rather be labled emo than be a someone i'm not, a fake, just to blend into the crowd of everyone else.

today's lesson: with an angered mother, find a place to go to that's out of the house and not full of rapists. just chill there and feel better.
too bad i can't go farther than down the street. oops. adice not taken, again.

i'm out.
bc

that's right ladies and gentlemen,
midterms have come to attack.
i'm afraid there's really nothing you can do but study.

...haha. i have good intentions to study. has that happened yet? nope.
what does britt do instead of studying?
be bored, play DDR, steal food from the neighbors, listen to music, annoy my cousins, annoy those who actually ARE studying for midterms, watch FUSE, ride ze horses, chew gum... it's all good.

i'm stressed because i probably won't end up studying. i'm such a wonderful crammer.
all's well that ends well.

today's lesson: don't let people see your weaknesses. they play off them and use them against you at every possible chance.
my weakness: truman, my grumpy old show horse.
it sucks having people threaten you by going after your horse. it truly does.

because using capital letters is so last week,
bc